Okay, I am finally returning to my project post. I have been working really hard on implementing some of Plowman's ideas on parenting and have seen some improvement in our house. Plowman's basic premise is that you can teach a child to behave outwardly, but if you haven't reached the child's heart, you have failed. She uses a story about a little boy being asked to sit down, and after much cajoling and threats, he sits, but says that he is still standing on the inside. The story is funny until you ponder the implications. I have two very different little girls, and I have already seen evidence of little seeds of resentment taking hold in my oldest child when she feels that she has been treated unfairly. I have watched my youngest thrust her chin the the air in direct defiance (honestly, it just doesn't seem possible at her young age, but Patrick and I witness it again and again!). The Bible, after telling children to honor their parents, cautions parents to not exasperate their children (Eph. 6:4). It goes on to say that we are to bring them up in the instruction of the Lord. Plowman put this verse into perspective for me. She states that when we discipline children without showing them a way out, we are exasperating. For example, today, Alaina told me there had been a problem at preschool. The conversation followed like this:
"What was the problem, Alaina?"
"somebody pushed."
I, very seriously, asked "Were you the one that pushed?"
"No!" (She was indignant) "It was [name of child]."
I then asked, "Who did he push?"
"Me."
"Was he upset with you?"
"No, he just wanted to get past me."
"What happened to [name of child]?"
"He got a time-out."
(Here is the important part!) "What should have [name of child] done instead of pushing you?"
Alaina answered, "He should have said 'excuse me.'"
This is the most recent example, and it wasn't my child, though I could write about a million blog posts on examples relating directly to her! But the important part is still the same. Plowman says that parents not only should identify the wrong, or sinful behavior, but teach the child what should have been done instead. She describes this as "reproofing" and "encouraging." The reproofing involves "taking off" a bad behavior, and the encouraging is showing the child how to put on a good behavior. The Lord promises us that he will not bring a temptation into our lives that we cannot bear up under, and that He will always show us a way out (1 Cor. 10:12-14). When we, as parents, don't show our children a way out, we exasperate them.
Now, back to the example. One of the things I am happy about today is that I used a series of what Plowman calls "heart-probing questions" to get to the bottom of the preschool problem. She indicates that it is far more important for a parent to know where their child is coming from than for their child to know where the parent is coming from. So, I am happy about using those questions to teach Alaina to think like a Christian. Unfortunately, I didn't meet the mark on following through. What I should have done, after establishing how the other child should have behaved, was ask Alaina about forgiveness. I should have followed up by asking her heart questions on whether or not she forgave [name of child] for pushing her. And then I could have used that conversation as an opportunity to share the gospel. So, I still have some work to do. Right now, I am happy with the current progress. I will keep updating as we go along. I highly recommend Ginger Plowman's book, Don't Make Me Count to Three!
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